Triple X-Play
“The Rise and Fall of Tech-Goddess Morgan Webb”

by. B. Molmikhenry

Watching “X-Play” a few years ago (or, as it was originally titled, “Extended Play,” on the then “Tech TV” Network) was always a delightfully geeky delicacy featuring the ever-spastic Adam Sessler. The topic inevitably was the latest gaming craze: what exactly was worth playing and what should be stuffed down the garbage disposal.

Then the Lord said, “Let there be Morgan,” and there was Morgan. At first glance I was left with the impression that she was a nasally-voiced, idiosyncratically attractive decoy, added to the show in order to both snare new viewers and keep existing game geeks with both heads at attention. I felt cheated and manipulated, but tuned in to bitch and moan nevertheless… And then I noticed her Pikmin. Not exorbitantly huge, nor Tweety Bird small, but just the right balance of warm, supple, perfectly round confection, delicious to the eyes as Roscoe’s chicken and waffles are to the tongue. Hours of fun were to be had caressing my television—both alone and in the company of friends—watching her seem to “react,” both positively and negatively, to my touch (please, ladies and gentlemen, try this at home—it’s better than a virtual pet). My attention soon spread inexplicably to her face, and astoundingly enough, what was coming out of her mouth. This girl knew her games and wasn’t too hard on the eyes either, thus paving the way for her to become America’s first Tech-Goddess.

Everything was right with the world. Until… Morgan began losing weight, growing her hair, and participated in, inevitably winning, the ridiculous booby circus: “Girls of TechTV” competition. The Rack was shrinking; the hair was growing and changing the wrong colors. She was becoming Courtney Cox, a piece of leather fashioned into the shape of a female. As a direct result, her commentary seemed to lose all of its wit and value. Where was the quirky, ambrosia-bosomed siren of our gaming fantasies? This is a question I continue to ask myself as I see unflattering photos flood the Internet. The only answer I can come up with is that she has forsaken us, her true admirers, and become a tanned, shorty-shorted, shrivel-chested facsimile of her former self: a stereotype so admired on popular and vapid television shows.

And where was Mr. Sessler while all of this was happening? Surely lack of interest could not be the reason for his failure to intervene. Once, while attending the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo at the Staples Center, and again at a function in Glendale, I noticed that he had some difficulty pulling his gaze from my own considerable breastage. I find it very hard to believe that a mammary connoisseur such as this could possibly miss the obvious decline of his dwindling co-hostess.

Now, you might ask, how could one rescue our fallen Tech-Goddess from the abyss of Smeagolhood? The solution is simple: send Miss Morgan Webb, or the harpy who seems to have stolen her visage, body and soul, a couple of cases of Twinkies to breathe new life into the once glorious Rack, a pair of good old-fashioned scissors with which she might excise the offending coif, and some holy water for good measure. Perhaps these articles will help to coax her from her own ashes and she will re-emerge as the respectably sexy, iconic, pioneering woman she once was.

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Triple X-Play “The Rise and Fall of Tech-Goddess Morgan Webb”

by. B. Molmikhenry

Triple X-Play
“The Rise and Fall of Tech-Goddess Morgan Webb”