Torino Olympic Musings

by Robin Torrance

The classic SI query: Is it a sport? That’s one thing I thought about when I watched much of the Olympics. Curling? Brooming actually effects how far that IED-looking thing goes? Hey, I’m surprised the geriatric crowd hasn’t co-opted the sport à la shuffleboard.

And ice dancing? Well, this year it was kind of a sport… with all the unusual crashing in the free skate. It’s a sport if you consider NASCAR a sport. Which I hardly do. They just go round and round, like they’re lost—or like they’re speed skating. Usually female athletes performing alongside men are second-class citizens… but in ice dancing… did anybody even look at the male partner of the sexy American silver medallist? Even when they interviewed the two of them, the announcer talked to Ms. Belbin for a good two minutes and then, as if there was a gun to his head (or I should say the threat of a bat to his knee), asked the man a question. Do the hits at emodelmagazine.com do a triple-toe loop if we get our silver medallist to pose? Well, just get your friends to pony up a sawbuck and soon we’ll have enough money….

And the two arguing American speed skaters… apparently they didn’t hear that Kobe and Shaq are tight, again.
I’m not too much of a sap (I’m a writer, the union doesn’t allow it,) but it is pretty touching to hear the stories of parents having to send their kids away and working long hours so that little Vladimir could one day, maybe, “podium…“ Yes, they turned podium into a verb, the jargon-deprived Olympic athletes and commentators. Now I’m going to try to podium in my life, get that book published.

And then there was the women’s figure skating with Sasha Cohen and Irena Slutskaya (insert joke here). Hey, if you want to make it a sport, just cut to the chase and have the athlete do the five jumps that truly dictate her score. Not that I want to see such. Those spins really are more fun to watch than the dang jumps. It’s like the skaters are transforming into something else, like a lotus blossom. Excuse me. And what’s not to love about micro-mini outfits… worn by the skaters over 18, don‘t get me wrong. I’m reminded of an old MAD cartoon that had some girl showing off some bathing suit and then shrieking when told it was underwear. Boy, as much as I love the NBA, you just don’t get that stuff from those athletes.