John "The Not So Quiet
Man" Ruiz by Burt Splendah
On the evening of March 3rd, 2001, thousands
of fans tuned in or packed into a stadium to watch Evander Holyfield
defend his heavyweight title against a rough and tough looking
challenger calling himself “The Quiet Man.” Holyfield
had defeated John “The Quiet Man” Ruiz on August
12th in 2000. However, it was clear that the over-the-hill champ
was sooner or later destined for defeat, leaving the title free
for any mediocre fighter lucky enough to get the opportunity
to take him on. March 3rd would be the night when the aged Holyfield
would succumb to Father Time, and John Ruiz would become the
first Latino heavy weight champion in the history of boxing.
It’s a shame that such an honor would be bestowed upon
such a sub-par fighter. A Holyfield in his prime would have
wiped the floor with Ruiz. This was a man masquerading as a
boxer who, when in the ring, would much rather slow dance with
his opponent than hit him.
The Quiet Man would continue to retreat into the depths of ring
theatrics and snuggle with his opponents in fight after fight
while allegedly defending his title. These continued “performances”
would prompt fight fans to wonder if it was an Oscar the “champ”
was going for instead of a belt. He would flail around the ring
complaining of low blows that were anything but, hugging his
opponents ad infinitum, and accusing the referee of being out
to get him. More embarrassing still, these ridiculous tactics
were winning him fights. His only talent as a boxer seemed to
be an amazing ability to make the other fighter look bad and
to whine so much that the ref couldn’t help but go along
with whatever injustice this so called “Quiet Man”
was shrieking about.
To make matters worse, Ruiz’s then manager Norman "Stoney"
Stone would aid in the circus by hurling insults and vulgarities
at the refs or anyone else who dared to disagree that his fighter
was being persecuted. In “Ruiz v. Golota,” Stoney
managed to get ejected (too bad the same did not happen to his
fighter). Further lines were crossed when John decided to sue
boxer James Toney for having taken steroids before their now
controversial fight. John had lost his belt and retired, only
to find out that the belt would be returned to him because of
Toney’s steroid use. The earth shuddered in disgust as
“The Quiet Man” came out of retirement and began
to write a series of whiny open letters both to James Toney
and the boxing commission. Perhaps he missed the memo Mommy
sent out about taking it like a man. Let’s
hope that Ruiz’s latest lost, to Nicolay Valuev, marks
the end of his career. Mr. Ruiz, I would be lying if I said
that your retirement wouldn’t be the best thing for
the sport of boxing since George Foreman recaptured the heavy
weight championship in 1994. Please sir, for the good of the
sport that has been so good to you, quit your bitching and
do your talking in the ring. If your jab was thrown with the
frequency of your jabber you would be deserving of the belt
you erroneously held. If you want to earn a large paycheck
for hugging men in a public arena, you might want to check
out San Francisco’s Castro district; I’m sure
they’ll hook you up. Otherwise, learn to throw a punch,
perhaps by practicing on your ex-loud-mouthed manager, or
do us all the favor of favors and be true to your name by
shutting the fuck up and retiring once and for all.
|
.jpg)
