So, it’s January and I’m sitting here like I’m supposed to write some crap about new beginnings (what an awful phrase) or New Year’s resolutions. On the surface, NYRs seem like well-meaning attempts at self-improvement. However, a more thorough examination reveals them to be truly evil. They usually involve going through a metamorphosis you’d rather not undertake (hence “resolution” not “something I may choose to do if I feel so inclined”), and you end up making yourself (and everyone around you) absolutely miserable. For about 2 weeks. At that point, you realize that you aren’t going to change. So, you go back to your old ways, having started off the year with a spectacular failure. If you thought you hated yourself before, how’s that mirror looking now?

To add insult to insult, we as a society seem to have exhausted our supply of ideas. It’s always “lose weight” or “quit x.” Blah. Why doesn’t anyone resolve to “understand the intellectual virtues of games of chance, learn to be more comfortable by letting go of Prohibitions, eliminate the sophist bias toward meaningless bedroom binges, and bring joy to mankind through the tireless art of making a fool of oneself?”

Ah, but who am I to cast the nth stone? My NYSIMCTDIIFSI wasn’t fun, original or revolutionary. I decided to quit bacon (apparently it’s not very good for you). I lasted 3 days. Now I feel human again.

While I may be a sad, cynical hypocrite, I’m still interested in bettering the world (if not myself). So, here’s my solution to our culture’s obvious desire to extirpate enjoyment (and remember, I’m not a doctor, just a guy who likes to walk around the house in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck): Don’t make any changes for the first few weeks. Bask in the fallout of the revelry and prepare a fine farewell to your friendly vices. Then, say that dead week between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl, do what Dr. Phil would do. If you like the new you, stick with it, otherwise, try asking Life for a refund. The bottom line is that if you have a change that needs to be made, don’t do it because the calendar tells you to. Do it because the voices in your head tell you to. Enjoy the issue and Happy New Year.

--A.M. Silver