California Looking by Chaz Thad Higgins III

Alright, Laddies, come gather round, and let ol' Chad Thad Higgins III
break you off some Love, New-California-Style.

Are you frozen in the snowy chill of Winter's icily forbidding fist
clenching your rapidly shriveling gonads?

Come to L.A., Brah!

I am sitting on my front lawn, wearing absolutely NOTHIN' but the Bermuda shorts and wide-brimmed hat that the Lord gave me. Across the street, my neighbors are washing their red convertible, wearing bikini tops and hot pants.

RIGHT NOW (as the old tune goes), you don't believe me. You're beginning to wonder if maybe this correspondent is fancifying his shuddering, shivering, shriveling balls from an outhouse in Wisconsin.

I don't care. Why? Because my neighbors have tremendous knockers.

Also—and more pressingly—they're calling on me to be my usual
neighborly self and provide some assistance. I’ll go, happy to oblige. But before I do, let me leave you with the top ten places to see the
most beautiful women in this shining, sunny city by the sea, Los Angeles.

That is... If you manage to pull your out of your rectum and get to HelL.A., baby!

1. Melrose Ave., between Fairfax and La Brea: Hipstress chic, low-rise jeans, bustiers, the shortest shorts and miles upon miles of cleavage in the front and in the rump, all wrapped up with a bow tattooed on her lower back.

2. The 3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica: Hot Blonde Trophy Wives from the Westside and their Super-Hot, Future-Trophy-Wife-To-Be Daughters.
Say no more, but look all you want, cause that's as close as your slob ass is ever going to get to these Crown Jewels of American Womanhood, and society’s most prized possessions.

3. The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf @ Sunset Blvd. & Fairfax: T & A all the livelong day. Russians, Ukrainians, Rumanians, Iowans, Texans—a regular Eastern Bloc meets the Midwest party with lithe, dangerous Iron Curtain models and corn-fed American blondes side-by-side with a smattering of buxom and semi-recognizable television personalities.

4. The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf @ Sunset Blvd. and Sunset Plaza: More of the same, except less Midwesterners, and a lot more attitude. The foot traffic between the high-end fashion boutiques along this stretch of the Strip is mainly high-end booty for you to gawk at. (Note: The women you observe here are, as a rule, beginning the first iteration of "The Trophy Wife" cycle previously detailed in No. 2, "The 3rd Street Promenade.")

5. The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf @ Sunset Blvd. and Larrabee: More of the same, as it is hard to keep the denizens of any one of these Coffee Beans from drifting, but at this, the western-most Coffee Bean on the Sunset Strip, you get the rock-n-roll chick, possibly with a Mohawk, necessarily with a bod. These are the Party-All-Night-on-The-Sunset-Strip-like-it’s-1982-Muthafuckahs!

6. Westwood Village (UCLA): Yo Bro, if super-fine Asian honeys are your thing, then this is where you're at. Tiny backpacks and even tinier skirts lead you home. All other races and creeds represent fine enough here as well.

7. Hollywood Forever Cemetery: If Necrophilia is more your game, then The Hollywood Forever Cemetery has the widest selection of old, dead Hot Celebrities in the city. I hear that Marilyn is still in remarkable shape for a woman who's been dead for 40 years.

8. “Muscle Beach,” Gold’s Gym, Venice Beach: If watching sweaty dudes lift weights on the beach while jerking off beneath your trench coat is more your thing, then you are headed for Paradise at the outdoor Gold's Gym in Venice Beach. You are also probably homosexual. But not necessarily.

9. Live Live, Nude Nude, Los Angeles International Airport,
Century Blvd.: If you're more into the whole "naked chick" thing, then the official Titty Bar of L.A.X. certainly lives up to its billing. These chicks are already naked, so I don't really see the point, but…

10. Hahahahahaha!

You really think I'm giving it up this easy? I gotta go, the girls are shouting. Good luck, Lads, and Happy Hunting!

Yrs truly,

Chaz Thad Higgins III
--fortysecondquestion